Discovering Who I Am

I have been listening back through The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey. In habit one, he talks about principles of personal vision and three widely accepted theories of determinism.

• Genetic determinism holds that you inherit your personal tendencies and character.
• Psychic determinism holds that your upbringing and childhood experiences mold you.
• Environmental determinism holds that environmental factors are responsible.

I’ve been thinking about where our images of ourselves, of others and of the way the world is supposed to be, come from. Every day we are reacting to others and to circumstances based on conclusions we have made, and the preconceived ideas and expectations of the world around us that come out of those conclusions. I have come to attribute those conclusions more and more to what Covey referred to as the “social mirror”.

From the time we are born, we are receiving identity messages from those around us and from the experiences we have, and we subconsciously come to conclusions about ourselves based on those value messages. When a parent, at a time of anger, says things like, “You’ll never amount to anything unless…” or, “If you were more like your brother (or sister)…” or when we are teased at school, or the last one picked on the team, or bullied and called names, or just not good at something; or when we are abandoned or rejected– any experience has the potential to send and deeply establish an identity message, and we begin to believe what we see reflected back to us through the social mirror.

Recently, I found myself responding in anger to my children when they weren’t in bed on time. We had developed a consistent routine of them dragging their feet on the way to bed, and me reacting in anger and frustration and threatening and cajoling them to bed every night. I realized that we were ending every day on a bad note and began asking myself why I was responding so emotionally to the situation.

Upon some reflection, I realized the root of my anger. I was brought up in a very strict home where getting in to bed late was seen as showing serious disrespect for my parents. Dishonoring parents was a major offense. It occurred to me that I was subconsciously receiving their refusal to try and get in bed on time as a statement about my value and the value of my rules and felt disrespected and dishonored. Because I was translating their behavior this way, I was personally hurt and reactive, instead of just offering consequences in love and allowing them to make the decision whether they wanted to suffer those consequences.

Frankl, a psychologist in the Freudian tradition, contends that “between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.” Covey insists there are two different types of people, reactive and proactive. Reactive people are driven by feelings, circumstances, conditions, the environment. Proactive people are driven by carefully considered, selected and internalized values. Covey insists that Reactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern, and proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence.

When I experience a strong emotional reaction during curtain circumstances, or respond irrationally at times, I might stop to consider the source. Chances are, I will find at it’s root a conclusion or expectation made after looking in the social mirror and believing what I saw there.

Based on accounts in the Bible, Jesus didn’t ever seem to be effected by what he saw in the social mirror. He was called a bastard and judged and rejected throughout his life. But he was so connected to the Father’s heart, and who God made him to be, that he stayed grounded in the truth of who he is and was able to live his life on earth as a proactive person who wasn’t distracted by the circle of concern, but was focused on the circle of influence– and no man has had a greater influence on mankind.

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